The Importance of Your Self-Perception and How to Control “I” With Journaling About 17 Powerful Questions
When I was in ninth grade, I moved from one city to another and moved out of my mother’s home to my father’s home. I was leaving my mother’s home because she had serious alcohol issues and I was getting into trouble living with her because she was not supervising me. I moved in with my father and his new wife and daughter. I was leaving a difficult situation with my mother and going into an even more difficult situation with my father and his new wife. This family had some serious issues—for one, my stepmother divorced her ex-husband because he was having a sexual relationship with my new stepsister from the time she was 13. The daughter had recently turned 16 and was having a myriad of issues related to the psychological trauma this caused.
I moved a few months into a new school year and moved to a new school. I was confused about making new friends, did not know anyone and had a difficult time the first several weeks at the new school. The most intimidating part of attending the new school was lunch. Here, the kids would all sit around according to a social pecking order I did not yet understand. I did not want to sit alone because I felt this would make me look bad. I also did not want to sit with social groups I did not understand because I thought this would make me look bad as well. Because I did not have any friends yet, I felt all my options were poor and rather than going to lunch, I went to the library and sat alone. I felt this was my only option because I did not want to see myself as an outsider. I also did not know how to talk about my incredibly confusing family situation with kids I assumed were much more normal than I was.
We need to recognize this tendency and take control of our own self-perception by seeking feedback from a variety of sources, identifying the source of our self-worth, and surrounding ourselves with positive and supportive individuals. Most people, myself included, need people to reflect back them who they are in order to feel better about themselves. People do this in a variety of ways. The most important decision you can make about your life is choosing who and how you get yourself reflected back by others.
People speak to friends, get significant others, go to self-help groups, speak with family members, get therapists, chat with strangers, and join various groups that reflect back to them who they are. We try to find people that reflect back to us how we want to be seen--but not all groups and people do this for us. In fact, many groups and people are quite toxic to our self-image and try as we might, they serve the opposite effect than making us happier. Instead, they reflect back to our negativity, self-doubt, and lack of belief in ourselves and making us extremely depressed and limiting us.
If you are born in a bad neighborhood, have troubled parents, do not have role models, and have no compelling and strong interests or skills, your prognosis may not be good. The only reflection you are going to get back is that there is something wrong with you.
To enhance our self-views, consciously or not, try and live in good neighborhoods, go to good schools, and be part of the best social groups we can because we want to rise to the level of the people in these groups and have a positive self-image of ourselves reflected back to us. Children obsess about friends, social groups, popularity, and where they sit at the lunch table because they want to have a positive self-image of themselves reflected back. When we get older, many of us base our self-worth on the sorts of cars we drive, our bank account balances, where we work and more.
You need a vehicle that allows you to create a positive self-image of yourself. You cannot always rely on others to do this for you. You are going to be limited to a great extent by the quality of people you allow to reflect back your understanding of yourself to you. Many people, in fact, seek out people who are not appropriate to reflect back to us who we want to be seen as. We are so desperate to have a positive reflection back on us (and our self-image) that we go to great lengths to find people. We all need people in our lives that reflect back on who we are to us.
Years ago, I wanted to cut off a family member whom I believed was extremely toxic towards me. Without getting into specifics, this person had some personality defects that ran very deep. When I cut the person off they said something to me I will never forget: “That’s fine, but I still would like to email you a breakdown of my week 1x/week.” These emails would be long, multi-page discussions of everything this person has done all week and contain various conclusions about people, places and things that suited this person’s positive self-image of themselves. It was as if they needed me to confirm their distorted view of themselves.
People need others to justify their positive self-image of themselves—or to put these ideas out there. If we have people supporting a positive self-image of ourselves, this enables us to believe in our self-image. Many of us lack the tools, or ability to connect with others who will promote a positive self-image of ourselves. When things are going badly for us, this affects our self-image of ourselves. All day, every day, our self-image may be under assault by a variety of actors and circumstances:
The schools we get into.
The employers we get into.
Our friends.
Our significant others.
Our financial success.
Our career success.
Other peoples’ evaluation of us.
Our health.
Other peoples’ evaluation of us.
Our evaluation of ourselves is based on others around us.
When I was in high school, because of my own negative self-image from my parents and how this was being reflected back to me from the community, I started hanging out with a crowd that spent all of their weekends drinking, using drugs and, in general, getting in trouble. These kids did not do well in school or have any particularly compelling goals for their futures. Instead, they spend their time being depressed, complaining about their parents, and looking forward to inebriated weekends. This was basically the sorts of stuff these kids and I discussed—how, in general, displeased we were with school, the kids in school, our parents and our lives.
I was friends with these sorts of kids because I was not getting a good self-image of myself at home and did not have one for myself. My mother too had a serious drinking problem, my father was in a destructive and toxic second marriage, and I was not getting positive reinforcement from the people in my life about who I was. Instead of seeking out kids that would have lifted me up, ironically I sought out the sorts of kids that did not encourage me but spent their time depressed and down as well. While I had significant goals I developed as I fought back against all of this, these sorts of kids could not relate to them. Instead, they confirmed my negative views of the world and the people around them. Because I was sad about the events in my home life, I used these kids as my reflection mechanism. When I got to college, I found the exact same group of people and joined a fraternity that was full of kids with bad alcohol and drug problems.
Things were so bad for the kids I socialized with in high school that a few of them died from substance abuse issues in their mid-40s and never did much with their careers. In terms of my friends from college, several committed suicides and died earlier than they should have—likely from depression and other issues caused by substance abuse.
Until I learned to turn all of this around—and I am going to tell you how to do it—I never would have been happy, or successful. Most people never turn this sort of stuff around in their lives. Instead, they spend their time getting beat up by the world and surround themselves with people that are never going to help them rise.
Instead of caving into feeling bad about myself like the kids I associated with, I used a self-image that said I was better than these kids and based who I was on these beliefs. I had done the same thing with my family. I basically replicated and found my family in my school friends. I used these social connections to reflect back to myself that I was okay because I was more in control than the others around me. In the recovery community, they call this being “co-dependent” and it is precisely what groups like Alanon help people with. That is a group I participate in today. I am deeply wounded by my childhood and seek fulfilling, positive relationships that lift me up instead of pushing me down. I also need to learn to recognize my own negative programming and correct it.
Your family, significant others, friends, groups, employer, and others are all people that will reflect a version of yourself back to you that are either positive or negative. You can tell one person something about yourself and they will reflect a positive view of yourself right back to you; you can tell another person something about yourself and the opposite will occur. The job and profession you are in will also reflect a certain version of you back.
When I have been in bad relationships with people in the past, they would simply have a negative view of me and reflect this back to me whenever I said something to them. I’ve been in bad relationships that did not work out. At some point, my view of my significant other became more negative than positive and unhealthy for them and the relationship ended. This was not before there was much suffering. The opposite has occurred as well. If others are reflecting something negative on us and our self-perceptions.
When I have been in bad relationships where the tide turned against me, regardless of what I did, it would be negative and have a negative spin put on it by my partner. The partner would make me feel negative about my life and not positive. In contrast, there are people out there that will reflect a positive view of us no matter what we do. There is no judgment whatsoever and everything that comes back is positive and makes us like the person. These are the sorts of people we need to be around and the sorts of groups that also help us.
Years ago, I was in a romantic relationship with a woman that everyone liked. I could not figure it out. Everyone wanted to be her friend and liked her. She was popular and invited to everyone’s parties and friendly towards everyone. After some time I understood what she did to make that happen: Everyone she interacted with felt like she liked them and she would reflect their best view of themselves back to them. She would be nice, laugh and tell the person whatever they wanted and needed to hear in order to feel their best about themselves. Because of how she did this, people feel understood and wanted to speak with her.
It is like this with employers as well. There are people who no matter what we do the employer will see us in a negative light, and there are employers that will see us positively no matter what we do. It is our job to find people, groups, and others that will reflect back to us a positive self-image that will enable us to grow.
One of the problems with spending all of your time with people with substance abuse-related problems is that the relationships are all “crude” to a great extent. There is no real connection many times. There is a shared interest in a given substance, but the discussions, caring about each other, and more are often more artificial than real. No one is building you up often unless it serves their intent to get more substances or have someone to do them with.
When people try and get sober, they either go to rehab or an organization like AA. All of these groups’ essential purpose is to surround people with others who are buying into more positive images of the person. The AA participant listens to others’ stories and participates in groups that have an uplifting message. Various rehabs may do something similar with people. The entire effect of these groups and the reason they help people with substance abuse issues is due to the fact they allow people to grow and work on having a positive self-image reflected back to them.
In most societies, the worst thing that can happen is to be cut off from others and isolated. If we do not like someone or someone who hurts us, many people just stop speaking to others. If someone hurts society and commits a crime, we exclude them from society by putting them in jail. If someone does something wrong in jail, we put them in solitary confinement. Social isolation and not being reflected positively back to others is the most serious punishment people can experience when they do not interact positively with society.
Because of the need we all have to not be isolated and have people around us reflect positivity back to us, people live in cults, and religious groups, move to large cities, and do everything they can to have reflections of the selves they are most proud of reflected back. People experience the greatest upsets in their lives when they are excluded from social groups, or not allowed to participate and told there is something wrong with them. We want to be reflected positively back by people in our lives and our greatest desire is to be seen positively by others.
One of the images that stick in my mind and I have never forgotten about it when I heard Anthony Robbins speak years ago about what changed everything for him. He was not doing well financially or in terms of his friends and others. He was living with his parents, his father was an alcoholic in recovery and Robbins did not like the vision he was receiving of himself from the world. He moved into a laundry room in the basement of a friend of his and started writing out and hanging all of these posters up around the basement of various positive affirmations such as “I AM GREAT” and similar statements. He literally brainwashed himself with his own positive self-image and this worked for him and helped him change who he was. At the time he lacked a positive group of people around him that would reflect the world and his self-image positively back to him and his only option was to take control over everything himself.
Sometimes the people in our lives do not reflect a positive self-image—and this is how Robbins took hold of his mind. He did it without positive role models, or ways to have a positive belief in himself reflected back. Without a formal education, or successful peers or parents, he decided that he needed to take control of his own mind.
Another pivotal moment in Robbins’ success came when he had become successful and received a call from a friend of his who invited him to join a group of extremely successful people that got together several times a year and traveled the globe socializing and discussing their careers. The friend told him that it cost $250,000 a year to be part of the group and this was just each member’s share of expenses (private jets, rental of locations and so forth), and other stuff for participating in the group. Robbins said this was a great deal of money for him and hesitated, but his friend kept calling him. “You cannot afford not to be part of this group,” his friend told him. “Because participating in this group with the level of people you will meet there will change your life. You have no idea how much the people you associate with can change your life,” he told him. Robbins came up with the money, joined the group and his life changed.
Years ago, I dated a woman who told me a similar story about her boss who ran a company in Los Angeles. The man had been desperately trying to join an organization called the Young President’s Organization but was unable to get into a chapter in Los Angeles. He eventually was able to get into a chapter in the Middle East and started commuting to participate in this Chapter’s activities once per month—from Los Angeles. Because he was associating with prominent business people, his life soon changed and his business took off to heights he never could have imagined previously. Associating with a better group of people made all the difference.
You can have your ambitions and self-reflected back to you by positive, uplifting people, or negative people that will not contribute positively to your psychology. This is the purpose of the best schools, the best friends, the best social groups, the best employers and more. You need to surround yourself with others who build you up and not down.
I am in the employment business and people struggle with needing to feel in control over their lives and their self-images on an ongoing basis. Attorneys reflect back to them their self-worth by the quality of their peers. You cannot rely on others to build you up, or help you unless you are able to control your own mind and rise above the limitations imposed by your geography, religious group, social group, peers, community, spouse, or others. Others will help you do this, or not.
If you marry the wrong person and stay in a relationship with them this is going to hold you back. If you continue associating with the wrong people this will hold you back. Everywhere you turn, there are opportunities to build yourself up or take yourself down. If you are with the wrong employer that is never going to see what you are capable of, you are also reflecting negativity back to yourself and should not be.
If you are going to change your psychology and find positive methods to have the right psychology reflected back to you, you need to take charge of it you are responsible for changing everything and figuring out a way to do this. You need to start with yourself. You need to create a positive self-image of yourself by controlling how you see yourself. You control how you see yourself, this will control how you function and rise in the world. The starting point for Robbins, for example, was when he decided to start writing a bunch of positive slogans on the poster board. You need a similar springboard to control your mind and what happens to you. Unless you are able to control your mind, the negative world around you is going to do it. People’s negative views of you will not change unless you change your view of yourself.
My positive view of myself has been created, sustained and gone back to in many ways.
First, when I was younger and at some of the lowest points of my life, I read the bible and, in particular, books like Proverbs. Here, I learned the importance of morals, behaving correctly, and how to treat others. I am not all that religious and never have been, but this comforted me when I was in high school at my lowest. Because the people around me were not building me up and I felt torn down, having this to rely on and realize that having clear moral guidelines was extremely helpful. Later, I read Buddhist teachings and found a lot of peace in this.
Second, I used the foundation from this to start behaving better in all areas of my life. I was inspired to run for leadership positions and set positive examples for others with this moral foundation. Later, when I succeeded in leadership positions, I started being asked to attend conferences and learn how to be an effective leader while in high school.
Third, I decided to apply myself with all I had in academics and then my career. This allowed me to believe in myself and that I was going toward and would have access to a more positive life if did better. I realized and had hoped there was a better life in store if I just did what I needed to in order to have a better life. Career and academic success became an obsession for me because I realized it was the most direct route to changing my self-image. When my legal career limited my own self-image, I decided to start businesses in the legal space which reinforced how I wanted to see myself.
Fourth, I started reading various self-help books and adopting the tools from these. By my fourth year of high school, I realized I never would be happy not being economically self-sufficient, or held back by others’ views of me. I started reading and adopting the teachings of Napolean Hill in Think and Grow Rich and later read lots of self-help books.
Fifth, by my senior year of high school I started a contracting business and worked as a contractor. This gave me economic freedom which was important for my self-image.
Sixth, I got into relationships with significant others that were overwhelmingly positive and helped reflect back a positive self-image of myself and vice versa.
Seventh, Ieft the practice of law and started my own business when I realized that this was not going to reflect back how I wanted to see myself.
Eighth, when I went through my first divorce, I started speaking with a therapist who I shared my issues with and helped reflect back a more positive self-image of me when I was going through a lot. Having someone to reflect positive and not negative self-images of you is crucial if you are going to be happy with yourself and do well.
Ninth, I have made health and fitness a major priority in my life. I choose to see myself as someone who is able to take care of myself as a major priority in my life.
Tenth, I have continued to do my best to bring people into my life that give me a positive self-image of myself and push out those who do not. You need to do this to people and situations to the best of your ability and be on top of it. Most people that are effective are constantly bringing positive people in and pushing negative ones out.
Eleventh, I constantly journal to give myself the ability to give myself perspective regarding how I should view myself. I ask myself questions each week and then journal about these questions and answers to give myself a better self-image.
The problem with the world is that it is always coming at you and if you let it, the world will destroy you. If you own property, the government will tax you until you lose it. If you have money, people will try and take it. If you have a good job, others will want to take it away from you. If you have a good business, others will try and take away your customers. If you are a leader, people will want the leadership position you have. If you have a desirable spouse, that may not be safe either. Nothing is safe. Whatever you have that others admire, you can lose.
You need a tool to manage your self-reflection that does not involve others and that you can control. One of the most effective tools I have found is journaling in response to questions I pose to myself. Whenever I am getting fancy, upset, and not able to manage my emotions a feel in doubt, I follow this journaling exercise to shift my self-perception. This is why journaling is so effective: It allows us to take control over our own self-perception without relying on others to create this self-perception for us. This is what Robbins did with the poster and writing out affirmations. This is also what I did with the Bible, reading, and the many actions I took. However, despite whatever actions you take, you need to be aware that the world is always going to be trying to knock you down. People will be jealous, the world is negative, and you need to make sure you have the ability to do positive self-talk.
One of the keys to the most successful people is their ability to positively talk to themselves and build themselves up. They have a positive narrative they are capable of following no matter what happens in their lives. Every setback is an opportunity to positively support themselves, regardless of what people around them are saying or doing. I believe that in the absence of a consistent positive self-image.
Feeling unappreciated or dismissed by those closest to us is a common experience. As the saying goes, "no one is a prophet in their own land." This phenomenon occurs when people take for granted the things they are familiar with, including the ideas and suggestions of those they know well. It can be frustrating and even disheartening to feel like our contributions and opinions are not valued or acknowledged. However, it's important to recognize that this is a normal experience and not a reflection of our worth or abilities.
This tendency for others to overlook or dismiss us can have a significant impact on our self-perception. We may begin to doubt ourselves and question the value of our ideas and contributions. It's important to take control of our own self-perception and not rely solely on the validation of others. The phenomenon of feeling undervalued or dismissed by those closest to us can have a significant impact on our personal psychology and self-perception. When we feel like our contributions are not valued, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem.
It's important to recognize that this is a common experience and not a reflection of our worth or abilities. We may need to take control of our own self-perception and not rely solely on the validation of others. Moreover, it's essential to identify the source of our own self-worth. It is easy to fall into the trap of relying solely on external validation from others, but this can be dangerous for our self-perception. Our worth should come from within, and it should be grounded in our own beliefs, values, and achievements. We should acknowledge and celebrate our own accomplishments, and not rely on the opinions of others to feel good about ourselves.
A Journaling Exercise that Works to Take Charge of Your Self-Perspective (Especially When You Do Not Have Good Social Outlets)
During one of the most difficult periods of my life, someone taught me a watered-down version of the following tool. This tool has the power to very quickly change how you feel about yourself. In my opinion, it should be done at least 1x/a week—and if you are going through a tough time—probably 1x day (maybe more). It will change how you see yourself and make you a more effective person by giving you perspective. Since starting this myself, I have spoken to several well-balanced and happy people also following versions of this tool.
I have followed it for five years and it works quite well when I do not feel supported by the world around me. This is a powerful tool and something I have used over and over again when life gets tough. This works and is something that I recommend you do to control your self-image and build it up. You cannot rely on others around you to improve your self-image and you need to do this for yourself. You will find that if you answer these questions and follow the:
Seventeen Questions to Change Your Self-Image
What am I Angry About?
-People that owe me money
-My inability to fix certain aspects of my business
-My HR manager
Who Do I Resent?
-One of my relatives
-Someone who has been stalking me for some reason
-Someone who stole from me
What am I Sad About?
-My divorce five years ago
-My failed personal relationships
-The fact the economy is not doing better
-The nonstop rain
What Can’t I Control?
-People with unhealthy psychologies
-The economy
-The weather
-The mistakes I have made in the past
-Crazy people stalking me
What Can I Control?
-My response to the bad weather
-My response to the bad economy
-The mistakes I have made in the past
-Maintaining privacy
How Am I Being a Victim?
-Feeling badly about people I cannot control
-Feeling badly about circumstances I cannot control
How am I Being Selfish?
-Not cutting people from my company not contributing
-Not addressing problems I am currently having with a few business units
-Not contributing more to a group I am in
Am I Being Kind and Loving Towards All and Leaving Others Better for Having Encountered Me?
-I need to spend more time with my children to make them feel more loved
-I need to make my interactions with others more universally positive
-I need to be very careful about getting angry with others
Am I Feeling Sorry for Myself
-I’m feeling bad that some people just do not work out
-I’m feeling bad that I am not doing a better job with various areas of my life
What Am I Hiding From?
-I’m hiding from letting go of nonperformers
-I’m hiding from addressing problems I have not addressed
-I’m hiding from making lots of changes I need to
What Am I Grateful for?
-My kids
-My significant other
-My employees
-My pets
-My job
-The things I have done right
-My 1974 Landcruiser
-The picture of the ocean in my office
-All the people I am helping
-The positive experiences I have had in the past
What Characteristics Do I Want to Define Myself in the Future?
-Resilience
-Constant improvement
-Being a likable person
-Growing and not the opposite
-Being a nice person
What Habits Do I Need to Break?
-Drama
-Not planning each day
-Not meditating each afternoon consistently
-Not calling parents consistently
-Snacking on cookies in the middle of the night
Who Do I Care About
-My family
-My employees
-My pets
What Do I Care About?
-My job
-My candidates
-Improving my business
-My writing
-My cars
-My house
What Are My Best Qualities?
-Persistence
-Caring about others
-Insight into people and issues
-The ability to learn
What Am I Excited About
-My next vacation
-Writing the column next week
-My daughter graduating from high school in a few years
-The stuff that is going well in my life
-The people that are helping me
Click here to explore what I do to hack myself Socially, Psychology, and Biologically!
